2011 State of the Cox Address

2011. Much has happened this year, and as I sit down to recall specific events and things I want to mention, I am in awe about what this year has brought. Like all things, let’s begin at the beginning.

I began 2011 like many people, with a resolution. My weight was higher than ever, my health was declining, and I had almost come to an acceptance of my condition as the way I would be for the rest of my life. I wasn’t looking for a serious transformation, but I wanted to do something seemingly small that would have a positive impact on my health. I made a New Year’s resolution to stop eating beef.

I know the arguments about this. “Beef is a good source of protein.” “Lean beef can be a good part of a healthy diet.” These are true statements. However, I had become a fast food carnivore. If you looked at the number of times I was going to McDonald’s, Cookout, Taco Bell, and several other fast food places, it was almost every day. I looked at what I was doing, and the single most effective, easy rule I could make and stick with was giving up beef.

After a couple of months without beef, I found I was eating out a little less, but still substituting the beef with other foods that weren’t good choices. I am not a very religious person anymore, but when Lent came around, it gave me an excuse to give up pork. This included giving up bacon (yes, it is pork), which has probably been the single most difficult thing I have done this year.

During the first few months of the year, I had still been living in the one bedroom apartment I had occupied for 3 years. Ashley, my girlfriend, was spending more time over, and in April we decided to make a run of it and get a new apartment together. We moved into a larger two bedroom apartment, where we plan on staying for at least another year. My experience living with women until now has been less than stellar, but we live a happy life, often complimenting each other’s foibles.

Around May, in keeping with the better health theme for the year, my doctor placed me on a fluid capsule to help reduce my blood pressure. This would later kick off what would become my major issue of 2011.

In June, Ashley and I took our first major vacation together, with her family to Rodanthe, NC. I love the ocean, and several days out in the sun and air was fantastic. The highlight of our trip was going to the Wright Brothers Museum, which I would suggest for anyone heading out that way.

Late August was when the rest of the year, and the rest of my life changed. To be honest, everything up until August is a distant memory, and everything since has been a blur. In August I had a follow up appointment for the fluid pill I was placed on in May/June for blood pressure. I was feeling ok, having lost about 25 pounds over the summer from what I thought was general activity and better eating thanks to giving up beef and pork. I had blood work done, then went off with Ashley for our Anniversary weekend.

My doctor left the message that Friday, but because we were gone celebrating, I didn’t check the voicemail until Monday. That was the day I found out I had diabetes. The news hit hard, probably as hard as finding out about my atrial fibrillation when I was 21. I took some time. I wallowed. I cried. I got angry. I hated myself. I hated my doctor. I hated the world.

A friend, one of the best I’ve ever had, told me this:

You’ll beat it. I’m not worried about it. In the 3 years I’ve known you, there isn’t anything I’ve seen you haven’t been able to do or accomplish.

I was 33 years old. Some people are lucky knowing what they do, what they’re good at and most gifted with right out of the gate. Others, it takes a lifetime. For me, I’ll look back at this year, and know that this is the year I learned what I do, what my true gift is. I think in many ways, I knew it all along. I just didn’t have the words for it. It has been what has made me good at almost every job I’ve ever had, and has guided me into the work I do now.

Some people make things. Some people can take an empty canvas and fill it with wonders using a brush and ink. Some people can take a slab of marble and turn it into a statue that will last forever. Some people can see an empty field, and through their knowledge, experience, and resources, turn it into a building that will serve millions.

Some people break things. Some people turn the world inside out. deconstructing their lives and the lives of those around them. Some people see a window and wonder what it looks like broken. Some people see a building and want to see it crumble.

I fix.

From the time I was 4, I have looked inside stuff to see how things work. When I was first diagnosed with atrial fibrilliation, I learned ways to maintain and control my condition as well as possible. As a police officer, I looked inside society and people to see how things could be better. As a technician, I literally see what is broken, and repair it. I have been a problem solver my entire life. I never saw how the links fit in my own life until late August.

I set about fixing me. I opened books, I went on the internet. I spoke with my doctor, and I worked with a nutritionist. I approached my own health as a problem I could find the solution to fix, like anything else I have ever set about doing in my life.

I found out the fluid pill I had started taking in May can cause blood sugar levels to rise. This, along with the loss of fluid, had most likely been the cause of my rapid weight loss over the summer. Ironically, my body was starving. I stopped taking the fluid pill, and was prescribed medication to begin controlling the diabetes. My doctor said that I had a chance of reversing the diagnosis if I meet certain conditions. I’ll always have to watch from slipping back into it, and may be on limited medication, but my goal has never been to maintain my diabetes. My goal is to be done with it.

My doctor told me to get a glucometer, but not start taking my blood sugar until after about two weeks. I started day one. I began feeding myself data on how my blood sugar was raising after meals, how it was responding after fasting, and what triggered what reaction. I also began monitoring my blood pressure daily. After the experience of the fluid pill, I also wanted to get my blood pressure under control.

I began packing my lunch to work, and walking during my breaks. I changed my diet, making the list of things I eat shorter than the list of things I don’t. I keep track of the calories I consume every day. I eat the same breakfast every day, I cycle through the same foods every week. It sounds boring, but it’s scientific, and it works. I go to the gym when I’m not working, and have no more than one to two rest days a week.

I saw immediate results. My blood sugar started above 300, within a week, it had crashed below 200. I haven’t had a reading above 180 since Labor Day weekend, about a week and a half after finding out my diagnosis. In November, we went ahead and ran another A1C, the test that checks your blood sugar over a three month range. When I was first diagnosed, it was 11. After two months, which includes one month I was unmedicated and uncontrolled. My doctor expected a 2 point drop. It dropped 4 points to 7. I get tested again in January, and I fully expect it to be in normal range. I’m well on my way to reversing the diagnosis and reducing the medication. That is the goal for 2012.

This is the first time I have written about this publicly. I haven’t said much of anything since this started. I have been angry, mostly with myself for letting it get to this point. However, I am at a place now where I feel strong. Stronger than I have ever been, in will, in mind, and in body. I’ve lost 60 pounds. My waist has gone from 48 to 42”. My shirt size from 3XL to 2XL. Someone recently asked me what I’m doing to lose weight. I do everything.

The rest of the year has been phenomenal. DragonCon in September. More vacations in October and November, including getting spend time with my father in Philadelphia. Parties, celebrations, and social events have been a great outlet. Work has been great; I’m very happy and feel appreciated for what I do. Ashley has supported me through the changes, and has been cooking several nights a week in support of my new diet. She’s lost 20 pounds in the process. I am thankful for my friends. They have been the backbone of keeping me sane as I have gone through this. My family, old and new, have been supportive.

For 2012, I plan to continue what I began in 2011. I can’t think of any new resolutions right now, but I still have a couple of days to come up with something. It promises to be an interesting year.

Loved as a child.

This morning I recalled something about my childhood I haven't thought about in years.

I had a swingset.

Mind you, it was pretty simple by todays' standards. It had two swings, a seesaw mechanism, a bench swing, and a slide. There was no padding or wood chips underneath, just an ever wearing layer of grass followed by hard packed dirt. It wasn't set into the ground with concrete, so I remember if you got a couple of kids going just right, you could rock the whole thing back and forth. Today, I guess we'd all consider it a lawsuit from the neighbors waiting to happen, but the thing that sticks out in my mind the most about this swingset now wasn't its mere existence or how crazy hazardous it would be today, but its placement.

My swingset occupied the vast majority of the Cox family front yard from about 1983 to 1988. It wore down the grass. If you got going fast enough and fell the right way, I'm sure you could have gone through one of the front windows (maybe). HOAs would have a tirade about this now, but if you drove past 213 Miller Avenue at any time during those years, there could be no doubt that 

a. A spoiled rotten child occupied that home.

b. That child was loved.

You can still see swingsets in neighborhoods now, and not much has changed in that time. Mostly now they occupy the back yards of subdivisions and are much more elaborate.

I don't complain about my childhood, but I'm pretty open there wasn't as much outward affection displayed by my family as what it seemed to me others showed. Looking back though, knowing my grandfather and mother now the way I do, I can only imagine the discussions and thought that went into putting it there. I've said before I had a great childhood, memories like this are the reason.

Rant: My Biggest Peeve, or, Another Way People Piss Me Off

Pet Peeves. We all have them, those small annoyances we find in other people that produce a sickening response in our gut or a twinge of frustration in our brow. They remind us that not everyone is as awesome as ourselves, and can make or break friendships and relationships with others. Let's face it, generally, we tend to spend more time around those that rarely commit these infractions and avoid those that constantly violate these oft unspoken rules for behavior we hold toward others.

I have a few smaller ones:

-parking in handicapped spaces when you don't need it or have a permit for it

-popped collars on polo shirts

-starting any sentence with "I don't mean to be rude, but..." (nothing said after is ever polite)

The big one. The one that hits me like a sucker punch and ensures that I'm immediately looking to end the conversation as soon as possible, is frustratingly one that has worked itself into common vernacular.

The use of "I feel" in place of "I think" in statements that are clearly cognitive in nature.

This one is the big one. I encounter it no less than once a week, even more back when I actually sought conversations involving other people's opinions. This single phrase, and the true meaning behind it, is why I no longer have conversations about politics, religion, or any controversial topic requiring logic or reason with people that use it. I may even agree with the statement the person made, but I disagree with the use of this term to express it.

Why does it annoy me so?

The use of feel is an attempt to give greater weight to opinions on subjects where reason can be questioned, thereby giving the user a sense of greater authority. A thought can be challenged, discussed, reasoned, even changed, but a feeling has no logic, being rooted in the essence of the person. Let's look at some examples of this in action.

-I think Intelligent Design is a valid science.

-I feel Intelligent Design is a valid science.

-I think the Ford Mustang is a better car than the Dodge Challenger.

-I feel the Ford Mustang is a better car than the Dodge Challenger.

-I thought I had the right of way at that intersection.

-I felt I had the right of way at that intersection.

After the think statements, did you think there was a discussion to be had, reasoning to follow, and the topic could be engaged? After the feeling statements, did you feel shut out of the conversation, there was nothing to be challenged or discussed further with that person? After which of the two statements for each topic did you think the person would be more open to a different viewpoint?

Which brings me around to the point. The use of feel instead of think indicates the person does not want to have a true discussion, or have their opinions or views open to others to be reflected upon with reason. There is no room for improvement, no admission of potential fallibility. We have become so obsessed with our own opinions being right we have locked out within our own speech the potential for challenge, for growth, and for differing opinions. It is by having our thoughts challenged that we see our errors, our mistakes, and strive for better reasoning, better thoughts, and improvements in ourselves. Sometimes, we are right, and our logic or reasoning holds true. However, if everything is a feeling, our perceptions never change.

There is a place for the use of feel.

-I feel sickened by the disturbing images on the news.

-I feel happy for the flowers I just received.

-I feel worried about the future of human communication.

Just keep the feelings out of reasonable, logical discussion.

Right now some of you are thinking "have I done this lately?" Good. The reason for this article is to challenge the reader to think about what has now become a common usage in communication. Not to mention, it annoys me to no end.

Rant over.

Doppelganger (kinda)

Read this today in a major news article and about crapped myself:

 "said Alex Cox, a principal research analyst at Netwitness and a former police officer."

So, turns out this dude with my name is ANOTHER former cop from Virginia that works in Charlotte in the tech industry.  So, after a little cyber stalking of the security researcher (he was actually easy enough to find, go figure), twitter and linkedin invites are pending.  I think two Alex Cox's with similar backgrounds in similar fields in the same industry in the same city is something like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters; cataclysmic events may occur.  Dude even likes my favorite beer :(  Can anyone say Nega Alex?

Monday and a New Month

Yes, it's Monday, and it's also November 1.  I'm trying something new, which makes me think of all the people out there going into the world right now to make a living, reach their dreams, or maybe just be able to put a roof over their heads for another day.  I have been fortunate.  Many of the things I have set out for so far in life have been accomplished or are well on their way.  I have a great family, including the father I didn't know for 32 years, excellent friends, I'm in a happy relationship, and I have what I think is a stable, successful career.  I'm still working on my own set of personal goals, but those don't seem as unattainable as they once were.

Life hasn't always been like this.  The first time I started blogging, it was when everything seemed to be crumbling apart.  That was over five years ago, and the journey I started then, as rocky and seemingly crazy as it felt, has paid off in the life I live now.  In that time, there were some things I did, some lessons learned, that changed the game for me, that took me from where I was to where I am now.  This post is about sharing some of them.  Whether you agree with them or not, they are what worked for me, what led me to where I am now, and what I use now to reach my goals.

• Be bold.  Do not be afraid of change.  It will happen whether you want it or not, so let it happen on your terms, and make it your own.
• Keep learning.  Graduation does not mark the end of learning, and neither does getting that job/promotion you've been working toward.  Read, talk, listen, share, and search out the things that interest you.
• If you want a job and have no contacts, you have to pound ground.  There is no substitute for suiting up and walking into the places you want to work, resume in hand.  Research the company, learn a bit about them and who you need to talk to.  If a company only has an online presence, try to find a phone number for a recruiter.  Find a way to stand out, but keep it in moderation; no one likes a suck up.
• Bad relationships are draining, but good relationships are powerful.  Communication is the key to staying out of one and staying in the other.  It let's you know when the time is right to get out of a bad one and hopefully keeps you in a good one.  
• Learn to speak clearly, write well, and spell properly.  These are priceless skills, and will get you far in any walk of life.
• Don't be a dick (courtesy Wil Wheaton), unless you have to (courtesy me).  Some people take this to mean you have to be a dick all the time, which is totally missing the point.  I can count on one finger the number of times I've had to be a dick in the last two years.  If you're using the second part of this statement too often, you're not getting the first part right.
• Get the right amount of quality sleep for you.  I have a sleep disorder, which if untreated means I get very little real sleep no matter how long I'm in bed, so I was sleepy all the time.  It also causes a heart arrhythmia. I cannot describe how life changing it has been to get this treated, to sleep well, and to not have had a major heart arrhythmia event for months.
• Anger is destructive.  As tempting as it is to try to use it for motivation or channel it to other things, feeding into anger is dangerous.  It is better to be cold and calculating than angry and reckless, although I much prefer being warm and open.
• Decide who you want to be, and become that person, even if they are someone completely different.  You may never completely become that person, but a few steps in the right direction never hurt anyone.  Much of what makes a person comes from what they do, what actions and decisions they make.  Make decisions based on the person you want to be, and over time, you'll find that you are who you want to be.

That's all I have for right now, although I have quite a few more.  I didn't even touch on politics and social stuff, which has been on my mind lately with the election coming up.  Until then, happy Monday. 

Bringing it to a close...for now.

This post is long overdue. Overdue as in "I haven't written anything here in almost six months" kind of overdue. As I haven't written anything here in almost six months, I figure it is time to put this place away in mothballs and dust covers, and officially turn this into the archive and label us inactive for a while. For those of you coming by to check up on me, the best way to see what's going on is to find me on Twitter and Facebook; I'm still around. Life is good, work is good, and I really don't have much to complain about anymore that wouldn't sound like incessant whining from someone old enough to know better and get over it anyway.

I'm going to keep the blog live; if nothing else out of respect for where I have been, what I have been through, and the journey my writing has seen here. The words I have written here are irreplaceable to me, as are the feelings I have expressed and the road I have traveled to get where I am now, which, more or less, is happy and at peace. I found myself, my niche, and my place in this journey which I have posted here, and you can rest assured knowing that for now, it's a happy ending.

If one thing life has taught me, though, is never say never. I may eventually have something to say, or have some feeling that absolutely has to get out, and if that day comes, this may well be my forum to express it. Until then, take care, thanks for reading, and enjoy life.

Alex Cox

I'm back, baby!!!

A friend of mine, Joe (@pseudojoe), one of the best I have in Charlotte, twittered earlier today about NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, which is in November. I would like to say it took him twisting my arm, much begging, pleading, and purchasing of fine Starbucks, but as soon as I saw the website (nanowrimo.org), I knew this was going to be my project for November. The premise of NaNoWriMo is to produce a 175 page; 50,000 word novel between Nov 1 and Nov 30. The focus is on quantity, not quality, but the plan is to create a relatively cohesive and developing story that will flesh itself out over the course of the month.
I haven't updated this blog in over a month, simply because I have had little to write about that hasn't been covered by Twitter or Facebook that I am interested in and free to write about. I'm going to work out if I want this blog to be a part of my NaNoWriMo submission. If so, I'll keep updates here; either way, I need to do something useful with this space.
I have over a month at this point to plan this out and have a start at writing in November. I'll keep posted here what I come up with, and will hopefully be ready by Halloween!